Monday, August 31, 2009

HAVING A TOTAL GEEK-GASM!!!!! (Following a weekend of wallowing self-reflection....)

I found on THIS Tarot deck!!!

I was so excited I emailed the creator to ask if they'd let me know when they'd found a publisher....and they wrote back saying they HAD FOUND ONE!!!! It's at the publisher, now!!!

I can't wait to get a copy. I also want this deck , but haven't heard back from the creator in awhile to know where they are in its process. Tarot decks take awhile.

In other news, George and I had a great shoot this weekend with our Page and Knight of Swords. My next obstacle is finding locations for the last two major shoots.

This weekend was rough as I was deeply feeling my loss. I slept a lot, waiting for the Gods to explain Themselves and why They so swiftly took away something I thought was meant for me. I didn't find that answer, but I took a wonderful walk with my HP to the cloisters, where we both reconnected with each other and the soil of Manhattan. I was suddenly thankful for where I've been placed and for the gifts around me.

I wrote this morning on the subway that I feel like I'm clutching broken shards of a jar that once held something I loved deeply--but the contents are long gone and I suddenly don't quite remember what the jar held, only that what was in there was for a time all I wanted in the world. Maybe it's good that I can't remember what it smelled, felt and tasted like. Maybe I don't want to remember.

But then I realized that I was crying over a void and maybe I should be happy that I can fill the void with whatever I choose. So I stopped crying and wrote some erotica. That saved the day.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Email exchange.

I've made up names for my friends. Some of these names are dumb. This is for their privacy--not because my friend actual call themselves corny shit. If I haven't thought of a name yet, I'm using an initial.

So Birdie called me very upset this am.

Here was her dream:

She was out with friends: me, L, A, Ash and her. We were at a perfume boutique place and then we all went out for wine and cheese. Then she and Ash went back to Birdie’s house. A baby boy who was sleeping. Ash and Birdie were in the living room and everything was hard wood floors. They were sitting on the floor. In the right hand corner she noticed a spirit and dismissed it. Then Ash looked over and saw it. Then Ash said she started hearing female voices and Birdie looked over and they saw two female faces. Ash started freaking out and then the women started speaking jibberish (sounded like whispers) and Ash freaked out and became hysterical. So Birdie stood up and put her right hand out and said 'In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to leave.' She said it 3 times and after the third time she felt like someone was choking her and she woke up gasping for air.

Then when she woke up out of the corner of her eye she saw tow white spirits leave her bedroom. D comforted her and then went to the bathroom. When he left the room she sat up in the bed and held her belly and said whoever you are this has to stop and you can not harm me or my baby. Then she called on her protectors and her babies protectors to help them. Then the sun went up outside the window and she Laid back down in the bed and she saw out of the corner of her eye all these little creatures popping in and out of her vision. Peeking in on her.

She is very scared, She worries that these beings are out to get the baby. She says she hasn’t had a dream of Pan in a week and she is upset because she has been to 3 book stores and can not find the Pagan Parenting book I suggested. She worried that the baby has unfinished business and someone is after him.

Here's how I responded:

White spirits are usually protectors or Ancestors. Two women whispering in the corner of the room do not seem to be dangerous--although they can scare new mothers, who are protective. My guess is that these two beings are Guardians or Ancestor spirits, and if so, it's natural that they would respond with some kind of choke-attack if someone were trying to curse them away. If they are guides or ancestors, nothing in this world will get them to leave and they will fight for their place. They're bound to the baby (I keep thinking son as I type this). If she were seeing grey or dark spirits, I would think there may be more reason of concern. As for things peeking at her, cursing at spirits is naturally going to upset the Fabric and draw the attention of other spirits in the vicinity. (Think of rubber-necking at a car accident.) I don't automatically think those were harmful, either.

Best thing to do is sage and Holy Water the apartment--which is what she should be doing, anyway. If these are benevolent beings, it won't impact them and will actually help them do their job. If they're malevolent, it will help chase them away--but I honestly don't think that is the case. I think Birdie got frightened because she saw something unfamiliar and assumed it was bad. Time for her to chill, go home, sage and Holy Water and get the home back into peaceful order. After that, she needs to talk to the beings she saw. A good thing to say is, "I don't know you and you are in my home. Reveal yourselves to me and state your business in a form that will not frighten me or others in this house."

Remind her that babies attract a lot of spirits, naturally, and visits will be common. Most will be neutral. Some will be good. Very few will be bad. Adolescents are the ones folks need to watch out for--they're a favorite among malevolent spirits, but babies are a favorite among positive ones. And Gods pull vanishing acts periodicaly, for whatever reason, so Pan's sudden silence shouldn't be any major cause of concern, either. Izzy never felt or saw Pan once during her entire pregnancy, but had a beautiful dream shortly after the girls were born in which Pan hugged and kissed her and said, "Welcome back."


When I did speak to Birdie later, I also reminded her that pregnant women are nuts and she has to remember that she's running around with a few fewer marbles in her head and that's perfectly normal--but to remember to stay calm. I hope that wasn't a mean thing to say. And I hope my advice was helpful.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


I stayed in last night and missed out on something called "Helen Keller Erotica" which I'm hoping someone will explain later. I needed to restore. I was so very, very cranky yesterday. Maybe it was the weird guy who cornered me with apologies at the Slipper Room Tuesday night, or maybe it's the combination of having read Tarot for four hours in an environment that is naturally an assault on the senses (the burlesque club), and getting home late (although not TERRIBLY late) and having set an alarm for the wrong time, and hearing from a former lover who is still angry at me for my behavior at a party last April--but last night I was tapped out. I wanted to go home, cuddle a kitty and sleep for hours, but instead forced myself to walk past the turn off to my apartment and up to the Cloisters, where I always find solace.

The Hudson is beautiful, by the way, and how many more warm summer days will 2009 provide? Not that many. On a darker note, I thought about how if I ended up dying last night, I would have been angry with myself for not taking advantage of the beautiful weather and going up to the park.

There is a tunnel along the West Side Highway, that appears like an Atlantian temple, rising around the bend of the park like "out of the mists" or something. When you walk through the tunnel, it pulls negativity from you like rotten leaves from a gutter. I don't often go alone--for no matter how beautiful it is, it isn't safe, but yesterday, I did. I left some shite behind: Anger over the July break-up, anger at hearing from my former lover--only to find him being angry, too--, anger at being tired. I visited the cedar tree, my heart nearly stopping for a moment when it was obscured by other foliage. I thought it had been cut down. My favorite tree in the park was cut down last spring and it was a painful loss. This cedar tree, though, has been a sacred place for not only our Group, but for others as well. We've found offerings and paintings on its branches--the offerings are stupidly removed by the City, but we (and others) still leave them there, anyway. At Ostara, we plant eggs with our wishes for the next year painted on them at the base of this tree. Yesterday, I noticed a young plant growing directly out of the place where we buried those eggs, in March.

For those who scoff at the idea that nature spirits can thrive in the City, or that the Urban Jungle is no place for Earth worship would find a country foot in their mouths if they came to this little spot. Yes, a busy freeway roars just feet away, but you just don't really hear it. Yes, there is trash underfoot (which we collect every time we visit), but there are also sprites and spirits and things of a non-mortal nature poking their heads from behind trees, stumps, stone columns and garbage cans. When I was in Ireland, we walked through the forest and my teacher looked back at me and said, "Do you feel that?"

Here in New York, I supplied the same answer to the wind, as there was no one else there to respond: "Yes."

I left feeling refreshed and started thinking about all the cool things I want to do this fall. I'm excited.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Goody. Goody. Gumdrops.......

I set my alarm this morning for 7:15--plenty of time to get to the dentist before work....but OOPS!!! Set it for 7:15 P.M. and woke up at 9:05--furious, but refreshed.

FEED was a fun event. Reading cards in clubs is very, very hard and I've a tendency to be a flaming bitch. I kept it pretty well in check last night until some dude came over and said, "Are you a psychic or a Tarot reader?" When I replied it depended on the situation he said, "Look at me. What can you see about me? Tell me what you know about me just by looking at me."

A strange voice erupted from the throat I know as mine: "I DON'T PLAY 'TEST THE PSYCHIC.'"

He apologized. In fact, he was one of those guys who doesn't just apologize and walk away, but apologizes and explains his apology and finishes the apology with a story about his mother, his grandmother, their spiritual gifts, his relationship with God, his respect for people like me "even though" we "worship the Devil" and threw in a story of how a psychic ran up to him in a shopping mall and told him things she had no way of knowing about his life and got him to come in and buy a reading from her. Had I, he wondered, ever had experiences like that?

"Yes," I said. "But not tonight."

He left to make a phone call and didn't come back, apologizing once more as he truly had no intention of playing "Test the Psychic." I should have charged him ten dollars anyway, but in the end, it's really not about the money.

I think I'm cranky today.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Thing going on tonight!!!!


FEED the Fundraiser!

Help us fund the LGBT Feature Film
from Lux Killmore Ent. & Keptone Filmz!

Tuesday August 25th @ The Slipper Room
167 Orchard at Stanton, NYC 10002, $10

8-10pm Bikini Martini OPEN BAR
provided by Sagatiba, Party All Nite!

Musical Guests:
Bazooka Falcon - 8pm
and DJ Ness - ALL Nite

9pm: Bunny Love & Glenn Marla Host:
(in order of Appearance):
Bambi the Mermaid
Kit Cat
Velocity Chyaldd
The World Famous *BOB*
Bunny Love
Glenn Marla
Legs Malone
St. Rev. Jen Miller
Gal Friday
Lady Satan
Reina Terror

Madame Courtney reads you Tarot!

Midnite Screening of
Lux-Killmore cult
cinema shorts!
Plus more!

Raffles prizes donated by:
School of Burlesque
Coney Island USA
Rev. Jen Miller
Linus Gelber
Danger Dame
Fred Harper

Lux Killmore Entertainment (Terror of Titty Town, Buxotic Beauty Murders, Lost
Weekenders) team up with Keptone Filmz (Interstate, The Other End Of The Line)
to develop their short film, Cannibal Love Lust into a feature film, now called
FEED. All monies raised at this event will feed FEED. Production begins this
fall, so we need to get cooking on raising some much needed dough!

FEED is a savory, sensual, slasher, love story about Chef Ronnie, a charming
celebrity chef who thrives and shines in her everyday life as owner and
proprietor of , La Pica Diabla, a trendy Spanish tapas restaurant and bar in San
Francisco. Chef Ronnie cooks internationally award-winning meals by day and her
nights are spent in ways too gruesome to fathom. In her secret life, Ronnie, is
a cannibal serial killer who murders a variety of people, from her disposable
array of amorous and clueless lovers, former employees and the occasional
diners. As Chef Ronnie and La Pica Diabla's reputation get hot in all of San
Francisco's social and top food circles; so does San Francisco's murder count.
Being haunted by her past, in the form a vengeful lover, and being caught in the
seductive cross fire of a increasingly serious relationship; Chef Ronnie has bit
off more than she can chew.

"FEED" is a fully LGBT film. All the characters are homo or trans and our
killer...A LESBIAN. Name one "Slasher" movie (besides vampire flicks) where the
killer is a lesbian. Still can't think of one? That's because it's an entirely
untapped market. Lux Killmore wants to bring you the first and the best. Let's
pave the way together!

RSVP for Facebook is here -

Monday, August 24, 2009

It's been awhile.

But I just saw Julie/Julia and it put me in a blogging mood.

It's been a busy year. Since Yule I have:

a.) Been reunited with the love of my life, thusfar.
b.) Attended seminary school.
c.) Watched the size of our Group nearly double.
d.) Taught at two different Pagan festivals.
e.) Received my third degree.
f.) Got my heart good and broken. But Brid said it wasn't going to happen again.

My goddaughters turned a year old. Their Wiccaning is planned for Labor Day weekend. I'm facing the tenuous repercussions of dealing with the break up of a couple within our Group--both of whom are members. I'm taking a long hard look at my own relationship with alcohol and finding it hasn't been a healthy one. My HP and I are extremely close to finishing our Tarot deck which will be awesome!!!

A good friend of mine laughed when she said, "Did no one tell you that getting the Third means your life is going to turn upside down?" I guess I should have known, but I didn't. Nothing has been the same, since--and that's an empty phrase to read, but the only appropriate description when you're feeling it.

Where do the Priestesses go for Priestessing when their own lives fall to shit? Eager faces of the Group members watch me, whether they mean to or not, to see how I deal with the pain of losing someone I loved, facing battles with substance and slowly fit back into a life that was moulded to suit the person I once was--but am not, now. They learn from my example, even though the vast majority are older than I. If I've done my job right as a Priestess, when they go through similar experiences, they're going to reflect on how they saw me react. So, I better not fuck it up.

One of my members politely complained recently that I am "rather gruff and vulgar, and not truly honoring the Goddess within me." To that I replied, "One of my Goddess's incarnations likes to rub chili peppers on Her genitals. You're lucky I don't emulate THAT." Actually, I'm lucky I don't imitate that.

I may not have many things to elaborate upon until the deck is finished. It's taking top priority for me right now. But the good news is that it's close to being finished. And that keeps me happy.

I should also re-evaluate my relationship with chocolate. But I've already kicked booze, cigs and caffeine--gotta draw the taboo line somewhere and preferably not over Hershey's Dark.

Blessed be, guys. I'm going to bed. After I pack for tomorrow's Tarot function.